By 
The Five Loves
Welcome! How wise of you to be researching love. Few things in life are more important than true love—except maybe a nice MLT: mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.
I am no Greek scholar, but I am passing on what I have been taught and what I understand about these words and concepts. I also want to make sure that this discussion allows you to get some insight into how to apply this understanding to your life. Then when someone says “I love you”, you can try to figure out what they mean! And especially what it means that GOD loves you. God does love you, by the way.
Language can tell you a great deal about a culture and that culture’s priorities. The Inuit (Eskimos) are said to have nearly thirty words for “ice” which describe various colors, textures, and uses, among other things (I don’t know if this is true or not, by the way).
Any group of adults in the U.S. can probably come up with that many words for money. However, we tend to use the same word to describe many different aspects of another concept: love. We love our mothers, pizza, baseball, spouses, and children, all the while using the same word to describe these relationships! The one word, love, cannot be meant the same way in all these instances. To avoid confusion, let’s look at some Greek words that distinguish between the very different situations.
1. Mania
Manic love is almost not a love at all. The word “lust” is probably not strong enough; “obsession” comes closer. This is the love of possession. I “mania” that which I obsessively desire to own.
It is generally seen as taking over the “lover”—like insanity, thus the connection to modern concepts of madness (kleptomania, pyromania). It is like the opposite of a phobia (an obsessive need to avoid something). “Mania” is translated as “madness” and “beside yourself” in Acts 2.
2. Eros
Eros is obviously the root word for “erotic”; but it does not describe sexual love only. It actually describes all emotional love—the feeling of love. Eros love is that insatiable desire to be near the target of this love. It is the exciting, passionate, nervous feelings that sweep over people in the appropriate circumstances.
This is the love that says “I love how you make me feel.” As an emotion, Eros changes, sometimes suddenly. Remember that it is entirely based on circumstances, the interoperation of circumstances, and on the target of its emotion. As an emotion alone, it is morally neutral; however, it can just as easily lead to lust (sinful desire) as it can passion or romance.
It is also a good picture to think of Eros as the fruit and flowers of a new relationship. Eros is not a bad thing, but it is also not a “good” thing. The word Eros does not appear in the Bible.
3. Philos
Philos love, or brotherly/friendship love, is the next kind we will look at. Philos describes the love between two people who have common interests and experiences, or a fondness for each other.
Hemophiliacs apparently seemed to ancient doctors to have a “fondness” to bleeding, for example. Unlike Eros which pulses up and down like waves on the ocean, Philos steadily grows, like a building being constructed stone by stone. For this reason, when close friends are separated for a while and reunited, they will often say “it is like we picked up exactly where we left off.”
Philos is half about the circumstances, and half about the commitment of two people to one another. It says “I love who we are together”, or in case of a non-person: “I am fond of this food.” Philos love generally grows over time except in the case of some kind of betrayal. It is commonly used in the New Testament, as in Matthew 10:37, John 12:25, and Revelation 3:19.
4. Storgy (or “storge”)
We will not spend much time here; storgy is the love one has for a dependent. It is commonly called “motherly love”. It is entirely based on the relationship between the “lover” and the “lovee”.
When the dependent is no longer dependent, this love remains only in its emotional remnants. It is one of the stronger loves, because it involves a commitment that relies on only one trait of the receiver—that he or she is dependent. This type of love is toxic to a marriage under normal circumstances.
Marriages that look more like a mother/son or father/daughter relationship are moving quickly downhill.
5. Agapeo
Agape love is the final of the five loves we look at here. Agape love is entirely about the lover and his/her virtue, and has nothing whatsoever to do with the one loved.
Agape love, in its purest form, requires no payment or favor in response.
The most common word for God’s love for us (I John, John 3:16) and the love we are commanded to have for one another (Matthew 5:44, I Corinthians 13) is Agape. This lack of input from the recipient makes it possible for us to love our enemies, even though we may not like them or the situation they have put us in, because Agape love is not in any way dependent on circumstances. It says “I love you because I choose/commit to.”
Unlike eros or philos, Agape creates a straight line that neither fades nor grows in its perfect form (which of course only exists from God outward). Oddly enough, even though many people marry out of eros love alone, they make vows that speak of commitment despite any circumstance: richer/poorer, better/worse, sickness/health. This kind of love is about an attentiveness to the very best for another, no matter what emotions or feelings exist!
You can see why in the King James Version of the Bible, Agape was usually translated as “charity”. It is a love freely given, and freely committed to. For a more in depth look at its aspects, look at I Corinthians chapter 13.
“Agape”
I think in America, especially among Christian young people, when a couple talks about “loving” one another they may not really be talking about any of these loves! It is an interesting phenomenon that Christian couples in particular are hesitant to say “I love you” in a relationship—even after months of dating.
Which love are they slow to express?
Eros? Of course, they feel it off and on.
Philos? If they have dated months they surely are loyal friends.
Agapeo? Since Christ calls us to Agape our enemies, surely a dating couple “desires God’s best” for one another.
I think the question is actually more “devotion” and less “love”. What they are hesitating to say is “I devote my foreseeable future to you”; maybe even “I am not ready to separate you too far from the crowd, in my Agape for you.” Taking into account the admonition to “guard your hearts” in Scripture (Philippians 4:7), I think waiting to commit to this devotion is probably wise; but we may have unwittingly created yet another meaning!
I also regularly hear from a spouse who is no longer “in love” with or has ceased to “love” their spouse. What do they mean, exactly? It is hard to tell. It seems like most of the time they mean that they are not feeling eros love at the moment.
A great analogy is to think of these loves as similar to a garden. Agapeo is like the soil; it can be tended. And remember, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”—Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam.
For a fantastic and more in-depth discussion of this concept, please let me recommend The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.
Chris Legg
Chris Legg, LPC, is a licensed minister and professional counselor. He is the Pastor for South Spring Baptist Church and is the owner of Alethia Family Counseling Center. He is a graduate of Texas A&M and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has been a professor for Womenary for over ten years. Chris and his lovely wife Ginger have been living the adventure with Jesus together since 1993, and have been blessed with five great kids.
Contact Chris, read articles, and look for other resources at www.chrismlegg.com or www.alethiacounseling.com. 
